Woody Allen Quotes - 9quotes.com

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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Written by Woody Allen
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Written by Woody Allen
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
Written by Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Written by Woody Allen
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Written by Woody Allen
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Written by Woody Allen
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Written by Woody Allen
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Written by Woody Allen
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Written by Woody Allen
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Written by Woody Allen
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Written by Woody Allen
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Written by Woody Allen
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
Written by Woody Allen
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
Written by Woody Allen
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Written by Woody Allen
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Written by Woody Allen
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Written by Woody Allen
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Written by Woody Allen
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Written by Woody Allen
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Written by Woody Allen
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Written by Woody Allen
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Written by Woody Allen
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
Written by Woody Allen
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Written by Woody Allen
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Written by Woody Allen
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Written by Woody Allen
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Written by Woody Allen
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Written by Woody Allen
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Written by Woody Allen
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
Written by Woody Allen

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