Steven Wright Quotes - 9quotes.com

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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Written by Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Written by Steven Wright
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Written by Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Written by Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Written by Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Written by Steven Wright
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Written by Steven Wright
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Written by Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Written by Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Written by Steven Wright
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Written by Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Written by Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Written by Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Written by Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Written by Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Written by Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Written by Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Written by Steven Wright
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Written by Steven Wright
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Written by Steven Wright
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Written by Steven Wright
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Written by Steven Wright
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Written by Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Written by Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Written by Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Written by Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Written by Steven Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Written by Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Written by Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Written by Steven Wright

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