Mitch Hedberg Quotes - 9quotes.com

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Written by Mitch Hedberg
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Written by Mitch Hedberg
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Written by Mitch Hedberg

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