Joan Rivers Quotes - 9quotes.com

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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Written by Joan Rivers
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
Written by Joan Rivers
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Written by Joan Rivers
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Written by Joan Rivers
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Written by Joan Rivers
Never floss with a stranger.
Written by Joan Rivers
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
Written by Joan Rivers
Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
Written by Joan Rivers
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Written by Joan Rivers
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
Written by Joan Rivers
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Written by Joan Rivers
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
Written by Joan Rivers
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Written by Joan Rivers
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Written by Joan Rivers
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Written by Joan Rivers
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Written by Joan Rivers
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Written by Joan Rivers
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Written by Joan Rivers
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Written by Joan Rivers
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
Written by Joan Rivers
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Written by Joan Rivers
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Written by Joan Rivers
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
Written by Joan Rivers
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
Written by Joan Rivers
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Written by Joan Rivers
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Written by Joan Rivers
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Written by Joan Rivers
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
Written by Joan Rivers
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Written by Joan Rivers
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Written by Joan Rivers

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