Henny Youngman Quotes - 9quotes.com

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When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Written by Henny Youngman
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Written by Henny Youngman
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Written by Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Written by Henny Youngman
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Written by Henny Youngman
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Written by Henny Youngman
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
Written by Henny Youngman
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Written by Henny Youngman
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
Written by Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Written by Henny Youngman
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Written by Henny Youngman
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Written by Henny Youngman
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Written by Henny Youngman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Written by Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Written by Henny Youngman
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Written by Henny Youngman
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
Written by Henny Youngman
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Written by Henny Youngman
Take my wife... Please!
Written by Henny Youngman
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Written by Henny Youngman
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Written by Henny Youngman
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Written by Henny Youngman
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Written by Henny Youngman
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
Written by Henny Youngman
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Written by Henny Youngman
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
Written by Henny Youngman
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Written by Henny Youngman
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
Written by Henny Youngman
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
Written by Henny Youngman
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Written by Henny Youngman

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