Groucho Marx Quotes - 9quotes.com

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I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
Written by Groucho Marx
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Written by Groucho Marx
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Written by Groucho Marx
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
Written by Groucho Marx
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Written by Groucho Marx
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.
Written by Groucho Marx
Humor is reason gone mad.
Written by Groucho Marx
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Written by Groucho Marx
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Written by Groucho Marx
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Written by Groucho Marx
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Written by Groucho Marx
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Written by Groucho Marx
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Written by Groucho Marx
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Written by Groucho Marx
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Written by Groucho Marx
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Written by Groucho Marx
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
Written by Groucho Marx
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Written by Groucho Marx
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Written by Groucho Marx
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Written by Groucho Marx
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Written by Groucho Marx
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Written by Groucho Marx
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Written by Groucho Marx
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Written by Groucho Marx
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Written by Groucho Marx
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Written by Groucho Marx
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Written by Groucho Marx
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Written by Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Written by Groucho Marx
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Written by Groucho Marx

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