George Carlin Quotes - 9quotes.com

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There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Written by George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Written by George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Written by George Carlin
The status quo sucks.
Written by George Carlin
Think off-center.
Written by George Carlin
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
Written by George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Written by George Carlin
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
Written by George Carlin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Written by George Carlin
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Written by George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
Written by George Carlin
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
Written by George Carlin
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
Written by George Carlin
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Written by George Carlin
When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
Written by George Carlin
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
Written by George Carlin
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
Written by George Carlin
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
Written by George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Written by George Carlin
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
Written by George Carlin
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
Written by George Carlin
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
Written by George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Written by George Carlin
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Written by George Carlin
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Written by George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
Written by George Carlin
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
Written by George Carlin
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Written by George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Written by George Carlin
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
Written by George Carlin

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