Erma Bombeck Quotes - 9quotes.com

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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Written by Erma Bombeck
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
Written by Erma Bombeck
God created man, but I could do better.
Written by Erma Bombeck
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Written by Erma Bombeck
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
Written by Erma Bombeck
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
Written by Erma Bombeck
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Written by Erma Bombeck
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
Written by Erma Bombeck
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Written by Erma Bombeck
I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
Written by Erma Bombeck
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
Written by Erma Bombeck
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Written by Erma Bombeck
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
Written by Erma Bombeck
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
Written by Erma Bombeck
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
Written by Erma Bombeck
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
Written by Erma Bombeck
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
Written by Erma Bombeck
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Written by Erma Bombeck
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
Written by Erma Bombeck
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Written by Erma Bombeck
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Written by Erma Bombeck
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Written by Erma Bombeck
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Written by Erma Bombeck
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
Written by Erma Bombeck
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
Written by Erma Bombeck
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
Written by Erma Bombeck
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Written by Erma Bombeck
For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
Written by Erma Bombeck
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
Written by Erma Bombeck
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
Written by Erma Bombeck

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