Elayne Boosler Quotes - 9quotes.com

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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Written by Elayne Boosler
Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?
Written by Elayne Boosler
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
Written by Elayne Boosler
Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
Written by Elayne Boosler
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
Written by Elayne Boosler
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
Written by Elayne Boosler
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
Written by Elayne Boosler
I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
Written by Elayne Boosler
To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.
Written by Elayne Boosler
You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.
Written by Elayne Boosler
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
Written by Elayne Boosler
Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.
Written by Elayne Boosler
I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
Written by Elayne Boosler
I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.
Written by Elayne Boosler
A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.
Written by Elayne Boosler
I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.
Written by Elayne Boosler
I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'
Written by Elayne Boosler
I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.
Written by Elayne Boosler
Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'
Written by Elayne Boosler
When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star.
Written by Elayne Boosler
I've never been able to write for stand-up.
Written by Elayne Boosler
I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.
Written by Elayne Boosler
I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with.
Written by Elayne Boosler
I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.
Written by Elayne Boosler
My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.
Written by Elayne Boosler
I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.
Written by Elayne Boosler
San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.
Written by Elayne Boosler
I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.
Written by Elayne Boosler
I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.
Written by Elayne Boosler
The message of great art is to disturb.
Written by Elayne Boosler

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