Bill Maher Quotes - 9quotes.com

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It's all been satirized for your protection.
Written by Bill Maher
We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
Written by Bill Maher
Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'
Written by Bill Maher
Men are only as loyal as their options.
Written by Bill Maher
The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.
Written by Bill Maher
Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.
Written by Bill Maher
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Written by Bill Maher
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Written by Bill Maher
Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
Written by Bill Maher
The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'
Written by Bill Maher
Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.
Written by Bill Maher
Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'
Written by Bill Maher
This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.
Written by Bill Maher
President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.
Written by Bill Maher
We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.
Written by Bill Maher
I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
Written by Bill Maher
The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.
Written by Bill Maher
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
Written by Bill Maher
Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.
Written by Bill Maher
The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.
Written by Bill Maher
They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
Written by Bill Maher
This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.
Written by Bill Maher
We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.
Written by Bill Maher
Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.
Written by Bill Maher
If you think you have it tough, read history books.
Written by Bill Maher
Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.
Written by Bill Maher
Curious people are interesting people; I wonder why that is.
Written by Bill Maher
Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.
Written by Bill Maher
Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?
Written by Bill Maher
I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
Written by Bill Maher

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